In my junior year of college, I came home at the end of the first semester exhausted. It had been a particularly trying semester, and finals week came with a snowstorm. Sufficed to say, I was happy to be home when it was all said and done. My mother, with ever the keen eye, looked at me and said, “You look unkempt. Here is some money. Go get your hair done.” Before taking the money (obviously), my response was, “I’m sorry I’ve been more focused on passing my finals than what my hair looks like. I thought that’s what you were sending me to school for.” While annoyed at the comment, I did appreciate her hooking me up with the cash for a bit of self-care.

My mother has been notorious for commenting on little things like this my whole life. She does it to my brothers too. I used to think it was just her nature until my girlfriends would share the perceived f’ed up stuff their moms would say to them too. In my teens and 20s, I resented her for it a little bit. Why couldn’t she be a little nicer? A little less brusk. Usually, these comments came when and about things I was already frustrated about or keenly aware of, so often, my reaction to them was less than pleasant.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that the comments aren’t from a place of malice or ill intent. It’s coming from a twisted Boomer place of love. I can’t totally blame this on being a Boomer because my paternal grandmother does the same thing. I generally brace myself before stopping by to see her. But I digress…

Since having my boys, I’ve come to appreciate her observations…that’s not 100% true. I only really appreciate it when she tells me I look tired because that is always followed up with, “Bring the boys by, and we’ll take them for the weekend.” This past weekend, for example, she took them home with her after Thanksgiving dinner and kept them for three days. When she does things like that, it’s kind of hard to stay mad at her for telling me I look like shit…

So remember, this holiday season when your mother is lobbing criticisms at you, she’s likely coming from a place of love. Also, remember that we can correct these behaviors with our own children, and these patterns need not be repeated with the next generation.