Tag: survival

Cranky-man Syndrome

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Sometime last year, J gave up napping. It happens once kids turn two. They decide that napping is for the birds and stop doing it. The fools! As any parent knows, this often leads to late-afternoon crankiness. Unfortunately for me, J’s late-afternoon crankiness typically manifests in the middle of dinner and lasts until he falls asleep.

He has a fantastic ability to flip the switch on this crankiness too. Of the many things my boys can do, this one might be the most impressive. It starts with refusing to finish or even eat his dinner. We struggle to get a few bites in, then comes tubby time. He’s ok until it’s time to get cleaned up and out. That’s when the tears and the screaming starts. He becomes damn near inconsolable during clean-up, drying off, and getting dressed. If he’s feeling particularly cranky, it goes through teeth brushing as we settle down to sleep. There may be a few pockets of calm here or there, but it’s mostly loud and grating on the nerves.

As he gets older, the cranky-man tantrums are fewer and farther between — THANK GOD — but when they flair up, all I can do is take a deep breath and hang on for the bumpy ride until he falls asleep.

At the end of a long day, because it’s always a long day when this happens, I find myself praying for the patience of Job or a tequila IV, whichever is easiest. It’s days like this when I want to say, “Yea, f*ing right!” to anyone who tells me I will miss these days. Sure, I’ll miss the cuddles and the funny little things he comes up with, but I will be happy when tantrums aren’t the go-to method for communicating. I also know the day will come when waking him up before noon will bring its own frustrations. But for now, I’ll breathe my way through tantrums until I have to hold my nose to wake him up.

TSM Book Club Book #24: Yours Truly by Abby Jimenez

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Started: June 11th
Finished: June 18th
TSM Rating: 5/5

Abby Jimenez is such a beautiful writer. She weaves hope and humor so seamlessly with dark topics that it’s sometimes easy to forget the serious nature of her characters’ issues.

Yours Truly exists in the same universe as Part of Your World, focusing on Ali’s best friend, Briana Ortiz, as she navigates finalizing her divorce, caring for her chronically ill brother, and competing for a promotion at work. Her competition? Jacob Maddox, a newly hired doctor in the emergency department.

After making a terrible first impression, shy, anxiety-prone Jacob writes Briana a letter. Nothing romantic, but an apology and a do-over. She finds it so endearing that she writes back, and they continue this back and forth, building a connection and a foundation of friendship.

I knew for her they were probably just notes…But for me it was a lifeline. An outstretched hand while I was falling, an umbrella in a downpour. Friendship in a hostile place.

Jacob, page 96

Then start fake dating, and miscommunication and misread feelings ensue. Even when they both show each other how much they love and consider and are “harmless” to each other, they both doubt that the other could have real feelings for them.

While Jacob deals with very real social anxiety, Briana is plagued by abandonment issues that threaten their fragile relationship.

“…I gave Nick the part of me I don’t give anyone. I gave him the kind of stupid, innocent love that you can only give before you better. He got the best of me. And I’ll never find that me again”

Briana, page 119

Even with all they have going on, I loved the way these two characters curled up into each other and found comfort. They both saw how fragile the other was and approached the relationship with kindness and vulnerability. They built a support system for each other in the most beautiful way.

And being liked by Jacob meant something because he was so shy. It’s like when someone else’s pet comes to sit with you instead of their person, and you feel like the chosen one. It made me feel a little special, like he saw something in me. Though I couldn’t for the life of me imagine what that was.

Briana, page 165

It was weird to say, but she made me feel alone — the way I felt when I was by myself. Calm and unaffected… I liked being alone. With her.

Jacob, page 205

I love how Jimenez allows her characters to be utterly flawed and to work their way through those flaws instead of miraculously being cured at the end. She acknowledges that we are all a work in progress and that only time and patience can make anything better.

TSM Book Club Book #23: Love at First by Kate Clayborn

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Started: June 2nd
Finished: June 11th
TSM Rating: 4/5

Love at First was such a sweet book about family, life, death, and learning how to allow yourself grace and love. Nora and Will are as charming as enemies as they are alluring as a couple. Their neighbors and friends — their found family — provide levity and perspective that helps elevate this from just another “enemies to lovers” story.

Both our protagonist are suffering from their own form of grief. Nora has taken on her Nonna’s apartment and responsibilities as the HOA president. While Ben has hardens himself to the long ago loss of his parents and the recent loss of his uncle, which is what brings him back into Nora’s world.

They are both hesitant, too, about love and loving each other. Nora, out of tightly-held loyalty to her grandmother, Will out of fear of dangerously losing himself in someone like his parents did.

Love at First is a great lesson in what different kinds of love look like and what love could be, of you give it a chance.

“Not every love you have is the kind like you had with your nonna. Or like the kind you have with me or Emily, or Jonah. Or anyone in this whole place, with the exception of that new man downstairs, I guess. Love can’t always be a sure thing from the start.”

Marian, page 237 (Kindle)

Reading as they navigate the rocky terrain of falling in love was quite beautiful. Unlike most enemies-to-lovers books, you never got the feeling that they actually didn’t like each and you knew if they just got out of their own way, it would be spectacular. And in the universe where this relationship continues, I like to think that it is.

“Nora Clarke, I loved you from the first time I didn’t see you, but I don’t think that matters half as much as the fact that I love you now. I don’t think it matters as much as the way I know I’m going to love you forever.”

Will, page 292 (Kindle)

TSM Book Club Book #21: Recipe for Persuasion by Sonali Dev

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Started: May 22nd
Finished: May 31st
TSM Rating: 4.5/5

It is only by pure coincidence that the last two books I picked up to the end of May featured protagonists struggling with mental health issues with varying degrees of severity. Both deal with heavy topics of suicide, depression, loss, drug abuse, and parental abandonment.

First up is Recipe for Persuasion, whose lead, Ashna Raje, spends her whole life doing what she can to make her father happy much to her own detriment. She also spends most of her life angry with her mother for abandoning her time after time.

On the brink of losing her restaurant, typically reserved Ashna, through some coaxing by her best friend and cousin, ends up a chef competing on a celebrity cooking show in order to win the money to save it. The show’s premise is to pair a professional chef with a celebrity, and much to her surprise, Ashna is paired with her high school sweetheart turned professional soccer player Rico Silva. For his part, Rico has his own struggles as he never really got over Ashna and the abrupt ending to their relationship. When we meet him, he has reached the point where he has to confront his past in order to move forward.

On top of all this, Ashna’s whirly-gig of a mother, Shobi has chosen this moment in Ashna’s life to come back and try to fix things with her. Ashna has spent her life building walls to protect herself from her mother bouncing in and out of her life. To protect herself from her parents’ fighting. Even when her father commits suicide, she builds walls around herself to keep herself protected from disappointment and disappointing.

Throughout the book, we see her struggle to maintain control over her life and struggle as she tries to be a stronger version of herself. She needs to be that version of herself as she confronts the past with Shobi and Rico.

Recipe… epitomizes the phrase, “Sometimes you have to go back to move forward.”

I loved it for how it examined mother-daughter relationships and even what it means to be a mother. Shobi’s struggle to find work-life balance and to reconcile her own feelings about being a mother and wife and what she was forced to give up to reclaim her independence.

This was the problem with motherhood, the part Shobhan didn’t understand — why did it have to be an all-or-nothing game? Weren’t mothers human?

Recipe for Persuasion, pg. 269-270

I also loved the depth of love Ashna and Rico have for each other, even after twelve years apart. Love, real love, can stand the test of time and distance. The word Dev uses over and over to describe how Ashna and Rico feel about each other is essential. I loved how perfectly and succinctly it sums up what they are to each other.

Sometimes when people leave you, you get so caught up in trying to convince yourself that you can cut them out of your life that you think you’ve actually figured it out. You keep moving. You ignore the feeling of being chased, even as you can’t stop running and running to get away. But then you realize that you haven’t moved on at all. Those who are essential to you have always been an absence. Even when you refused to acknowledge it, their void was always there.

Rico, Recipe for Persuasion, page 344

This was such a good read. Even with some of the darker themes, there was a lot of hope and love infused into the story. It should be noted that this is the second book in a series. I didn’t realize it until I started this one, but the stories are stand-alone. I’ve already added Pride, Prejudice, and Other Flavors (the books are Sonali Dev’s reimagining of Jane Austen classics).

TSM Book Club Book #20: The Ones We Fight For by Katie Golightly

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Started: May 6th
Finished: May 21st
TSM Rating 4/5

This was my first time reading a book on Kindle. I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, it’s convenient to have a book at the tip of my fingers and the highlighting on demands clutch. On the other hand, it’s more time on my phone, and the page numbering is a little weird.

That being said, I really enjoyed this book. It was a slow-burn, friends-to-lovers story about two imperfect people — Walker Hartrick and Talia Cohen — doing their best to survive after their worlds are flipped upside down. Walker has just lost his brother and sister-in-law in a drunk driving accident. This leaves him as the guardian of his five nieces and nephews.

For Talia, she is dealing with the one-two punch of finding out that she is infertile and her engagement ending. On top of that, her estranged father was responsible for Walker’s loss.

The beauty of this story is how believable and relatable both their journeys are. In some ways, Walker is the poster child of toxic masculinity’s belief that seeking help is a sign of weakness and the only way he can be any good to his family is to be “strong.” Even as his body is physically breaking down with panic attacks, he continues pushing to be there for his family.

In her own way, Talia is white-knuckling life as well. She comes to town to take over her father’s grocery store and throws herself into work. She also leans into being good to everyone else, including Walker and his family. Leaning into it helped her rediscover her self-worth and slowly heal from all that was ailing her.

When Talia and Walker come together, magic happens. They learn from each other. Give each other support and lift each other up. They help each other through, and both come out stronger on the other side.

I like that Golightly takes her time with the story and doesn’t rush through their progression, notably Walker’s. There are a lot of conclusions that he has to come to on his own. He wasn’t going to take specific steps until he was ready.

This book is filled with lots of little nuggets of wisdom. My favorite is this one:

Her mother always said “time is the wisest counselor of all.”

The Ones We Fight For, Chapter 23, page 198 (Kindle)

It’s a nice story, but be warned, it covers many heavy topics, including death, alcoholism, and infertility, all of which can be triggering for some.

TSM Book Club Book #12: Day After Night by Anita Diamant

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Started: March 7th
Finished: March 15th
TSM Rating: 5/5

When I posted this as book twelve I said that I loved how full and realistic Anita Diamant’s characters are. In each of her novels, the stories focus on the strong connections women make when facing change and adversity. Day After Night was no different and the loyalty that her four main characters — Zorah, Tedi, Leonie, and Shayndel.

Based on a true story, Diamant shares the story of these women who survived one of the most horrific periods of human history. Each woman has their own journey of survival, but it led them all to the same place: the British refugee internment camp, Atlit.

All four women come from different countries and different socio-economic backgrounds. Their binding tie is trauma and survival. While at Atlit they are uncertain of how long they will be there or where they will go once they are permitted to leave. Despite the darkness, trauma, and uncertainty they find other. They advocate for each other, provide emotional support, and bring each other back for the land of the walking dead.

Through their connection, they find that they can find life after living in death. Interestingly, they don’t share the full details of their experiences with each other. They don’t have to in order to understand each other and matter to each other. And isn’t that what friendship is? Finding another soul who you mesh with in spite of — or because of in some cases — where you’ve been and what you’ve been through.

I found myself in tears at the end of this book. It’s not totally clear if the connection lasts beyond their time together, but it is clear that their time together made a lasting impact.

Was this the best of Anita Diamant’s work? No. For me, that was The Red Tent — if you haven’t read it, go get it now, but Day After Night is another look at a period in history that we gloss over: the “after” of the Holocaust. We talk about those who died but not so much about those who survived. This was a beautiful snapshot of that.

Wins Will Come, and They Will Definitely Go

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Some days, I feel like I have this mom thing down. Everyone sleeps through the night — not in their own bed — but through the night nonetheless. Then there are other days when everything I thought I knew goes flying out the window and I realize I’m Jon Snow beyond the Wall.

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Thursday was unseasonably warm for mid-February, so I took J to the park. As we were walking up to it, I overheard two money talking about how they just wished their kids would listen sometimes. “Mom just needs a win.”

And isn’t it something how little it takes for we moms — and dads — to feel like we’re ok. That we’re on the right track and everything really is going to be ok. Right now, as parents to tiny humans, it’s hard for everything we do wrong to feel like an epic Bay of Pigs level failure.

It occurred to me the other day that the reason we think our failures are so epic is because when our kids feel, they feel BIG. That morning, for example, a different van picked C up for school. The seatbelt on his usual seat was broken — the strap that allows me to loosen and tighten the straps was broken — and this was unacceptable to young C. He had a total meltdown. Was damn near inconsolable. It took about fifteen minutes to get him into buckled into another seat.

After the bus was gone, I talked myself down for calling the bus company and yelling at the dispatcher about the broken seatbelt. I also talked myself down from posting a rant on my town’s mom’s page. Instead l, I took a deep breath, messaged C’s teacher in the app to let her know he’d be coming in hot so that they would be prepared to console him. Then I took J to the park.

What I’ve learned in the almost five years that I’ve been mom-ing is — can’t believe C will be five soon😬🥰 — if my reactions are as big as his, then we’ll never grow. Him as a boy who needs to learn how to manage emotions and me as his mother who needs to teach him how.

So yea, some days you’ve got it all together. Some days you don’t. And some days, it starts well only to fall apart and come back together again…and then maybe fall apart again by bath time. It’s the cycle we live in now as parents that won’t end until…we’ll I don’t think it ever ends.

***inhales deeply, long exhale, followed by a looooooong sip of wine.***

The Love & Hate of Motherhood

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Last Sunday, I hit the ceiling of my patience. Between a lack of sleep and feeling overall run down, I couldn’t deal with the screaming-jumping-running-around of it all. I locked myself in my office for a few hours to snack and decompress. And it got me thinking. There is so much to love about being a mom. There is also so much to hate about it. And it really is ok to hate some of it. Motherhood asks that we give a lot more than we get most days. Sometimes it’s a little bit too much. The dichotomy of motherhood is the strangest mix of joy and sorrow, love and frustration there is.

Here’s my love/hate of motherhood list.

Love: All the cuddles, squeezes, and kisses. There are moments in the day where a surprise squeeze from my boys is exactly what the doctor ordered and it makes everything feel better.

Hate: All the cuddles, squeezes, and kisses. Then there are days when they are hanging off me like a necklace. Clinging to me like the barnacle on the bottom of a boat. It all feels like too much and I just don’t want to be touched anymore. To the point where, when A comes home from work, I don’t have enough affection left to show him love.

Love: Watching them learn new things and explore the world around them. One of the amazing things about having kids is learning about the world through their eyes. Their enthusiasm and pride after they accomplish something new. Like, when J says, “It worked!” every time he owes in the potty. EVERY. TIME. Or whenever C figures out how to do something — like opening the child lock we put on the fridge because he kept leaving the door open — and he says, “I did it!” Even when it’s something I don’t want him to do, I love the enthusiasm. It’s infectious.

Hate: How hard it is to keep them teach them about the world and protect them from it at the same time. In a world of police brutality and ALICE drills for pre-schoolers, what are parents supposed to teach their kids about trust? One day you can have lunch and laugh with a friend, the next day you’re running from them in an attempt to save your own life…as a child. How do we teach them how to trust the police when it feels like every other day there’s another story about officer-involved violence against civilians?

Love: The extra purpose in life that having children gives you. I’m not the kind of person who thinks having children makes me superior to anyone who doesn’t. But raising kids is an important job, probably the most important job, we can have. We’re literally molding the future. When every thing else goes away. When you get laid off or divorced or lose people, your little ones are always there. So even when we feel like we have no purpose, they are our purpose.

Hate: Motherhood takes away so much of our autonomy, and sometimes it all feels like too much. Taking care of yourself can sometimes feel like a daunting task. Of course, caring for another person will feel overwhelming at times. Knowing that they are solely depending on you to keep them alive and mold them into good people…sometimes it’s an utter mindfuck. The person you were before you have kids and who you are after are two very different people. In some ways that’s a good thing. In others, we have to give up some of the things that make us feel the most like ourselves.

Motherhood asks a lot of us, and sometimes it feels like it takes without giving. Other times it asks nothing and gives so very much. See, perfect dichotomy.

Just Call Me Stuck-in-a-Rut Mama!

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Originally, this post started as me venting about how stuck in a loop I’ve been feeling. How much some days I want to let the kids take control. Nothing will shake you out of a routine like a winter in New England.

C came into our room around 1 AM — not really that abnormal — and couldn’t/wouldn’t go back to sleep — also not that abnormal — until I gave him some melatonin. While he got back to sleep, I was fully awake, playing Solitaire on my phone when A’s alarm went off at 4:30.

As I lay there lamenting my lack of sleep, A came rushing back to our bedroom, letting me know it had snowed overnight — it was raining when we went to bed — and he wasn’t going to have time to shovel our “only annoying that it’s big when it snows” driveway, so I’d have to do it to clear it for the school bus! Yay.😑

Somewhere in the middle of clearing the left entrance — we have a U-shaped driveway — the call came in that school was cancelled for the day. Why? I’m not really sure. They’d already cleared the street, and there was only about two inches in the driveway.

So my loop was interrupted by the weather and school cancellations. While the one day interruption was “pleasant,” it won’t fix the stuck way I’ve been feeling as of late.

My loop currently looks something like this: wake up. Work out. Get C dressed. Make C breakfast. Make and pack lunch and snack for C. Find something for J to eat because he doesn’t like eggs. Shower. Brush C’s teeth. Get him on the school bus. Spend the day entertaining J/cleaning/attempting to work on side projects. Rinse, lather, repeat.

I also find myself having the same conversation with the boys every day — “Stop fighting!”, “Pick up your toys!”, “Go to the potty!” It’s a miracle I still know other words in the English language.

There are some days when I’m so sick of the routine that I want to just let the boys go wild(er than usual) and let the chips fall where they may.

Of course, I can’t do that. I’ve been working on potty training J this week and have to make sure he doesn’t pee behind the couch…again. The boys also have a tendency to get into wrestling matches, usually at C’s instigation, and I have to make sure they don’t kill each other. So what’s a burnt out, stuck-in-a-rut mama to do?

Keep calm, take a breath, and soldier on. Also, hide in the pantry and eat snack pack Pringles…and pour a glass of wine while making dinner.

But seriously, I think I need to find something to balance out the everyday mundanity. Committing to my #65in365 goal is helping to keep me a little bit sane. I get most of my reading done when J insists that I can’t work, and I must watch Cocomelon/Little Angels/Blippi/Spidey and his Amazing Friends with him. Outside of that, though, what’s a stuck-in-a-rut mama to do?

I know that these things I’m complaining about are all part of motherhood, but isn’t that all the more reason to find a way to achieve the “just treading water” feeling of only communicating with toddlers all day? What’s your thing to help combat stay-at-home mom burnout?

It’s ALIVE! (Thank God!)

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We celebrated our son’s first birthday a few months back (this post is better late than never). After all the food was devoured (huge thank you to my mom and aunts who descended on my house and helped with the cooking and decorating), the guests were gone, and the house was quiet; I had some time to think. And by think, I mean pat myself on the back for getting through the first year of motherhood.

My husband and I are responsible people. We pay our bills on time, take care of our cats and always remember to feed ourselves. Throwing a baby into the mix was like adding a plate on top of your head when your hands are full and you’re balanced on a tightrope. In other words, motherhood is scary AF, but so far, so good.

The first year (16 months at this point) has been filled with laughter and tears (in equal parts from the baby and me) and discovery for us as parents and our son as he explores the world. As he continues to grow and learn and run around like a madman (particularly at bedtime), I will continue patting myself on the back to keep him alive.

Yes, I know that’s the baseline for parenting, but boy, do they make it hard!